Lucy’s Diary (21/07/2017)

Living With Anxiety And Depression Part Five


I was fifteen when Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park was released. Some would say I was prime teenage moody and melodrama age, maybe I was but I was also very ill with depression in possession of an album that put in words the pain I felt inside but didn’t know yet how to express. Now I know why, the man who co wrote all the tracks battled depression.

I have never voluntarily listened to even one track of that album since I recovered from that period of depression because it causes me too much pain. It reminds me of wanting to die, of not eating, of being bullied, of feeling lonely and being lost in a world I saw as cruel. I think very few people who love the album get the true weight and meaning behind it but, I guess, it shows that the songs are good even if you are lucky enough not to actually understand them.

“When you’ve gone through depression it’s like a healed wound that’s always there. News of other people’s similar pain picks at the scab”- Matt Haig

To hear of other people, who ever they are, that have lost their fight with depression always makes me sad but with Chester Bennington’s death at 41 through hanging himself the sadness is worse, after all he sung (or screeched) the words that helped me come to terms with an illness I didn’t even know was an illness.

I remember being a teenager in body shaking sobs sitting on my own in my bedroom with my depressed part of my brain going “You know you want to die, all you do is cause your family and friends pain and hurt, if you went away everyone will be happy again, what’s the point of living and being miserable? nothing is ever going to get better” and the “normal” side of me would go “No, no you are wrong, it will get better, I just need to hold on one more day, I can be a nicer person, I can change” I would clench my hands and hit my fists into the bed trying to stop listening to myself. Music would help, Hybrid Theory would help.

I wonder if this is how Robin Williams or Chester Bennington felt before they did what they did. Maybe they got sick of fighting something that would never completely go away? maybe they were just tired of being tired, of feeling like they were stuck in a hole they were unable to get out of despite all the amazing things and people they had in their lives?Or maybe they felt they were letting those they loved down and that it would be better without them there?

“People who are depressed with millions in their bank accounts? how does this work? the world is too big for you to stay depressed” -Twitter idiot 

Unlike the Twitter troll above, depression doesn’t care how much money you have it is capable of taking it all. Depression doesn’t care about marriage or children it is capable of taking it all. It is amazingly skilled at making you re-live traumatic experiences in your dreams and at the slightest  trigger years after you think you have moved on and forgotten it. I assume in Chester’s case he got to replay the abuse he received as a child a lot.

It can also make your hair fall out, cause panic attacks, stomach upsets, anxiety dreams, insomnia, headaches, shaking etc and can make people drink or eat too much (or little) or self harm to try and block out the pain and cause other illnesses such as OCD and Agoraphobia.

Sometimes depression does you favours as it turns off all feelings to a constant numbness so you will quite literally be the only person not crying when in the film the cute little doggie dies but also you will say with the biggest (fake) smile “I am so excited to go on holiday” not because you feel it but because you know you should be and that is what everyone expects of you

I am so glad I some how managed to hold on because if I hadn’t I would never have met and got married to my best friend. I would never have bought a house or adopted a dog. I never would have gone to college or got a job or been to Malta, Greece or Blackpool (?!) or even set up this blog!

There is so much more I have achieved over the years that I am proud of and so much more I want to do but I know one day depression may take this all away from me no matter how stubborn my personality is or how determined I am to die with it and not of it and that is scary and is made more scary knowing people like Robin Williams and Chester Bennington didn’t make it when they look like, from the outside, to have many good things in their life.

By Lucy Williams